8 ways my life at 45 looks nothing like I expected
Here’s what I think I’ve learnt in the last 45 years. There’s a point for every year. It’s social media, obviously, and it’s the distilled wisdom that I plan to bring to the second half of my life.
Wisdom of middle age: 45 lessons at age 45
It’s my birthday today. I’m 45. It feels significant.
If I live to 90 this is the mid-way point. Life expectancy for a man in the UK is around 80 so I realise that I’m already pushing my luck.
Whichever way you cut the numbers, I am officially middle aged. This is the halfway point of my life, or thereabouts.
Accordingly life seems to have a new tempo. In the past five years my last surviving grandparent has died, my partner has faced and beaten breast cancer, and I’ve lost my father to dementia.
Pension valuations suddenly have an absolute meaning, hair is growing in the wrong places, and more often than not, an early night seems like a good idea.
I’m not having a midlife crisis but I am certainly questioning my purpose more than at any other time before, and I’m thinking about what I’ve achieved and what might come next.
Here’s what I think I’ve learnt in the last 45 years. There’s a point for every year. It’s social media, obviously, and it’s the distilled wisdom that I plan to bring to the second half of my life.
I’ve written this over the last few months inspired by conversations with family, friends and colleagues. Let me know what you think, and if it resonates with you please feel free to share.
It’s a bit different to what I normally write but hopefully you’ll find something here for you, and if not, it’s my life, my blog, my rules.
Live life, and love well.
Purpose
#1 Fairy tales don’t exist
There’s no such thing as happy ever after. Disney is manufactured storytelling. You have to create your own happiness.
#2 Do what you love
Modern education is built for the industrialised society you read about in history books. Follow your passions if you want to create value and have a career.
#3 Higher purpose
If God exists, he or she communicates in extraordinary ways. We’re going through a rocky patch.
#4 We’re all a work in progress
Almost everyone is making it up as they go along. Some people are simply better at hiding it, and more confident, than others.
#5 Start small
It’s easy to feel powerless in a globalised, networked society. If you want to make a difference, start in your own relationships, family and community.
#6 Personal craft
Making stuff with your own hands is good for your soul, your community and human development. Craft and culture separate us from animals.
#7 Marketing bullshit
You can’t have it all. That’s a myth of modern consumer marketing. Decide what’s important to you and prioritise.
#8 Help and gratitude
Helping people out is a positive action that ripples through a community. It is a transaction that has far more than financial value. Likewise saying thank you.
Family and relationships
#9 A mother’s love
Your Mum is the only person that will ever love you unconditionally. Nurture that relationship.
#10 Emotional glue
Emotions are the glue that binds relationships. Break that connection and you break the relationship. Love well.
#11 Don’t feed the animals
There’s rarely anything that you can do to influence other people’s bad behaviour but you can choose how to respond. Don’t feed the trolls.
#12 Relationships and the art of maintenance
Long standing relationships endure typically because neither person is prepared to give up at the same time. There’s no magic, just constant work.
#13 Banish personal pronouns
We not me, and us not I. Personal pronouns have no place in relationships, family, community or modern organisations, unless you’re telling a personal story. Use sparingly.
#14 Burning bridges
Some relationships endure for only a stage of our lives while others last a lifetime. Knowing when to let go, and doing so with grace, is tough.
#15 Nurturing children is hard
Babies are hard, toddlers harder but teenagers are toughest. Single parents are generally incredible, patient, hardworking people.
Emotions
#16 Honesty
Honesty is always the best policy but too often people aren’t prepared to listen and face up to the truth. That’s hard.
#17 Managing anger
Anger is a powerful emotion. Use it carefully and wisely. Be very careful of the silent, angry person. Depression is often anger internalised.
#18 Men can be emotional too
The crisis of masculinity is very real. Men want to talk about their emotions but very few people are prepared to listen. That needs to change.
#19 Ask for help
Next time you’re stuck, ask for help. You’ll be amazed how people respond. Vulnerability is a powerful state. That’s why it’s so scary.
Wellbeing
#20 Value of therapy
Psychotherapy always strikes me as extraordinary value. It has replaced the role of our grandparents in modern society.
#21 How to lose weight
Eat less and exercise more. There are the only two things you need to know about diet. 10,000 steps a day and 2,000 calories a day for a woman and 2,500 for a man.
#22 Look after yourself
You will likely die of heart disease, cancer or the impact of mental illness. Fitness and wellbeing are the best form of defence.
#23 Reach for the off button
All media has an off button. Use it. We all need to log off and disconnect in order to rest and recuperate.
#24 Enjoy now
Live in the moment. You can’t do anything about the past or the future. The present is the only thing that you can guarantee. There’s a reason why it’s a cliché.
#25 Smiling and laughing
Much of communication is nonverbal. Nothing cuts through like a smile. It puts people immediately at ease and gives you a personal shot of serotonin.
#26 Listen to yourself
You’ve a lifetime of personal experience on top of thousands of years of human evolution. Listen to your own subconscious. It’ll typically be right.
#27 Refreshment and sustenance
Every situation can be improved by taking 15 minutes out for a cup of tea and a slice of cake. Beer, gin, whisky and wine also work in moderation, depending on the time of day.
Environment
#28 Growing your own
Growing food connects you directly to the cycles of nature. Nurturing people or plants is good for the body, heart and mind.
#29 Going green
Managing your own rubbish and waste disposal is the only way to truly understand your personal impact on the planet.
#30 We do like to be beside the seaside
There’s a reason that we like to be by the seaside or walking in the hills. It’s a chance to escape routine and connect with nature. Grab your bucket and spade, and go.
#31 Wellbeing through walking
Heading outside for a walk is almost certainly a better plan than whatever you are intending to do in the next 30 minutes.
Finance
#32 Managing money
Budgeting and compound interest are the root to sound personal finance. They should be mandatory at school.
#33 Making money
You’ll always be able to make money if you have a craft or a skill that people need and you are prepared to work hard. Self-employment brings greatest reward and risk.
Learning
#34 Explore
Languages and cultural empathy are your passport to travel and personal development. New environments and experiences are almost always positive.
#35 Rest in peace
Life goes on after people die. Recognising this is the root to overcoming personal ego and making a contribution to society.
#36 Knowledge is power
Never stop learning and develop an openness and enthusiasm about the world. Curiosity wouldn’t have killed the cat if it had read more books.
#37 Perseverance and stamina
Anyone can write a book, or build a house. You just need to put one word, or one brick, in front of another. Most people haven’t got the stamina.
#38 Developing good habits
Starting something is the hardest thing. Keeping going, second. After 30 days almost anything becomes a habit.
#39 Important information
Read the instructions. Almost everyone and everything comes with a set. They’re not always well written but they are usually helpful.
Life lessons
#40 Action and intention
Trust is earned by what you do and not what you say. Action and intention are very different things.
#41 Emergency procedure
Always know where the emergency exit is but only ever use it in an emergency. Remember the story of the person that cried wolf.
#42 Value exchange
There is no such thing as a free lunch. Qualify objectives as quickly as possible to avoid misunderstanding and time wasting.
#43 Moaners versus doers
People divide neatly into those that moan and bitch and those that apply themselves to change. Doers are almost always happier.
#44 Reward
Reward is the most powerful lever to change behaviour. It’s why we have the children, politicians and business leaders we do.
#45 Don’t be a dick
Whenever faced with the choice either to be a dick, or not to be a dick, choose not to be a dick. It generally makes for a more pleasant experience and easier life.
8 ways my life at 45 looks nothing like I expected
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- Life changes will shift your perspective of personal and societal issues.
- Here, author Charyn Pfeuffer details eight ways her life has changed unexpectedly by age 45.
Like a lot of people, I was raised to think about life in a particular way. You go to college , land a steady 9-to-5 job , meet “The One,” and then swap a promise and a piece of paper before getting down to raising a family.
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Somewhere in there, you may adopt a pet, or take the next big step and buy a house. This typically happens between a man and woman, who once coupled, remain linked in almighty monogamous bliss until “death do us part.” I never bought into this fairy tale, although the storyline was pushed throughout my childhood and 20s.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine, though, that I’d have the life I have now at 45. I steered clear of societal norms or pressures, and my life continues to grow more abundant and fulfilling every single day.
Here are 8 ways my life looks entirely different than I ever imagined:
1. I didn’t follow a typical career path
I’m an art school dropout who somehow landed a successful freelance writing career. After dropping out of college and returning to the restaurant industry, I answered a job post asking: “Would you like to play Cupid?”
Despite being completely unqualified, I landed a job co-managing a 10-page section of the Philadelphia Weekly and the writings of more than 500 dating hopefuls.
Every week, I received dozens of letters asking relationships questions, so I started writing a dating advice column in the Personals section (in a pre-Carrie Bradshaw era), and other local publications took notice.
I began freelancing for Philadelphia-area newspapers and magazines and had a few serendipitous breaks on the New York City media scene. I quit my full-time gig, and more than two decades later, I’ve never looked back.
2. I haven’t gotten married
I’m in no way long-term relationship averse. In fact, I love being loved and being in love. I just never saw the need to legally seal the deal with formalities or a big event.
I’ve been proposed to on several occasions, but the answer has always been “no.” Still, I never 100% ruled out marriage. I guess I always thought if it was super important to a partner, I’d maybe consider it.
Although marriage was never a priority for me, it’s somewhat surprising that I’ve managed to make it to 45 and have some really great relationships without this ever becoming a big issue.
3. I haven’t had children, despite societal pressures
I feel way more maternal toward four-legged friends than human babies. Although I’ve been told nonstop since my early 20s that not having children would be the biggest regret of my life, I’m pleased to report that at 45, I feel absolutely no remorse.
4. I created my own community
Most of my family has passed away. I also live cross country from my few remaining family members. As a result, I’ve carved out an intentional, close-knit community of friends and partners who fill my familial needs.
5. I’m comfortable in my own skin
Growing up, my mother never failed to remind me that at her all-time heaviest, she weighed 119 pounds. She was 5-foot-10 and pregnant with me at the time. I, on the other hand, am a zaftig woman.
Despite a childhood of body-shaming and obsessive calorie counting, I’ve learned that life isn’t about hitting a certain number on the scale. Also, people won’t like you more “If you just lose 10 pounds” (famous words from my mother.) I don’t believe in dieting. Every single body is beautiful and I embrace my curves whenever possible – whether I’m home alone, or at a clothing-optional resort.
I’ve learned that making peace with my body is far more productive than self-loathing. Being active and strong is far more important to me than having a few extra pounds or feeling starved. At 45-years-old, I feel the sexiest, most confident I’ve ever felt in my life and I love my body – exactly as it is — a thought I never fathomed possible in my formative years.
6. I stopped caring about what other people think
The background soundtrack of my childhood was, “If you do XYZ, so-and-so (usually boys) will like you.” Believe me, I tried to fill a lot of voids in my life with the approval of others. It didn’t make a difference.
As soon as I stopped caring about being so darn likable, my confidence skyrocketed. To this day, not caring about what (most) other people think is one of the most powerful tools in my life skills toolbox.
7. I’ve embraced my sexuality
I grew up in a standard-issue heteronormative household. There was never any discussion about coloring outside the heterosexual, cis-female lines, although I’ve been attracted to both male-identifying and female-identifying humans for most of my life.
At 45, I’m grateful I feel comfortable to love whomever I want, no matter their gender identity or sexual orientation. I’m also glad I’ve freed myself of the sexual guilt and shame I grew up with and can now explore and embrace sexual pleasure on my own terms.
8. I’ve found love in nontraditional relationship models
Over the years, I’ve dated monogamously and non-monogamously. I’ve found that having an open dynamic to explore whatever love and intimacy presents itself works best for me.
I have a huge capacity to love and care for others, and non-monogamy and polyamory allow me to deep dive into all of these scenarios with transparency. I never expected I’d have such an abundance of love in my life.
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